Those Who Wish to Change the World According to Their Desire… (oops)

When I was growing up I led all the neighborhood kids through some version of the Sinner’s Prayer – probably on a weekly basis. I remember hanging on the swing set, “Now repeat after me: ‘Dear Jesus, please come into my heart…’”

They were awfully gracious, and continued to play with me.

It wasn’t that I was so scared of hell, or even that I was judging them. I don’t think I would have known to judge, that early in my life. I simply knew what was “correct,” and I needed to make sure they were all in the clear. In the same way, I needed to make sure I was in the clear too, and repeated my own commitments to Christ on a weekly – sometimes daily – basis, not wanting to leave any loose ends.

But even if my evangelistic efforts were well-intentioned, there was hatred in me. Somehow, I remember hating “the Devil” – whoever that was – whoever I visualized that being. As a five or six year old (I can place my age because of where we lived) I would lock myself in the bathroom and yell curses through the tiled floor (because hell is underground) condemning the Devil for being dumb and stupid and bad. I locked the door because I didn’t want to get in trouble for saying words I wasn’t supposed to – even toward the Prince of Darkness.

Several years ago when I watched Joseph Fiennes in the movie Luther, I almost laughed out loud at the very serious

portrayal of Martin Luther’s maddened, frenzied cursing as he wrestled with Satan in his abbey cell.

“Hell, I did that in the bathroom when I was a kid! But I never said shit, Martin. I had boundaries.”

In high school I picked all sorts of ideological fights in class. I did a presentation on abortion with huge, graphic pictures. My poor teacher was horrified (probably scared for his job). And of course, I felt morally justified, because I was entrenched in a culture war…

We don’t change much, do we? Even when we do. Lots of my friends laugh that I’ve changed more than anyone else they know. And while I’ve changed ideologically, I’m not sure I’ve changed all that much. There’s still a pissy fundamentalist in me, morally outraged at this or that: liberal now; conservative then. ‘A’ or ‘B’.

The Tao Te Ching reads:

Those who wish to change the world
According with their desire
cannot succeed.

The world is shaped by the Way;
It cannot be shaped by the self.
Trying to change it, you damage it;
Trying to possess it, you lose it.

So somewill lead, while others follow.
Some will be warm, others cold
Some will be strong, others weak.
Some will get where they are going
While others fall by the side of the road.

So the sage will be neither extravagant nor violent.

I’m not running with my tail between with my legs, here.  I just think it’s worthwhile to tell you about my process, rather than pretend I have my shit together.  Oops, there I go, Martin Luther…