Ex-Gay = Ex-pert?

I'm having some interesting ongoing dialogue at www.RecycleYourFaith.com.

Paul, one of the commenters there, has the fascinating ability to lump every LGBT person alive into his narrow, angry definitions.  He's really an interesting case study in "extreme repentance!"  I've known recovering drug addicts and alcoholics who behave similarly - in very black-and-white paradigms.

Comment on the post "Homosexuality is a Sin" 
Author: Paul 
Oh dear, there is sucker born every minute. The Gay couples who claim to be faithful after 'years together' are either liars or they are so old sexd has ceased to matter. Gay's can be emotionally faithful, ie: they stay together and care deeply for one another but the sex fizzles unless they spice it up with porn, open encounters (secret or agreed), or group stuff together to spice it up (ie: three-somes). Gay men are not monogomous after the 'honeymoon period'.

I can't purport to know what's true for Paul.  He obviously feels deeply convicted about his own attraction to men, and I have no interest in judging him.  I don't want to condescend him, either.  I would imagine that to reject something so internally compelling, it would take a VERY concrete position to combat it.

And it's clear that Paul has been hurt, when he writes:

Author: Paul 
Oh yes, I used to want a totally faithful Gay relationship but once the sexual honeymoon period wears off Gay men crave 'outside encounters'. 

There are loads of liars out there who want you to believe Gays are monogomous after donkey's years of being in a relationship but that is garbage. It may convince a heterosexual but I know otherwise. I have NEVER met a monogomous couple after the 'honeymoon' period. They either have a discrete 'open' relationship, tell lies, use porn together or do group sex (three-somes) to keep the passion alive.

Even research by Gay affirming secular sociologists affirmed that five years was the longest ANYONE in the sample group remained faithful and they were the exceptions that prove the rule. 

I have heard so many commentators state "I know couples who are faithful." Yes, so do I for the first few months or couple of years but it NEVER lasts. However, I don't hear from those themselves who claim to be faithful and who have been in a relationship for many years. Mind you if I did, from what I know by my own experience I would feel sorry for them cos the other partner must be lying if he has said he is faithful. 

I know Gay couples who are 'emotionally faithful' ie: they don't get emotionally involved with those they have sex with, or only use pornography. But I KNOW from bitter experience Gay men shag around after the 'honeymoon' period.

I truly feel respectful of Paul's opinions on homosexuality.  But his statements about "all gays" are statements about some of my best friends.  That's not okay with me.


Existential Punk said...

That's his experience but he cannot speak for all of queerdom! Sorry, but no! i know couples who are faithful after many years. That is my experience! So sorry he is so bitter.

Peter J Walker said...

That was sorta my hunch ;)

Cheryl Ensom Dack said...

Having a very interesting conversation (well...conversationS) lately about being gay/what the Bible says about it, etc. on John Shore's blog. www.johnshore.com I knew I felt strongly about gay rights/how anti-Jesus it is to be anti-gay, but I had no idea HOW strongly until I started actually interacting with those who have opposing views! Wowzers! Anyway, I feel sorry for Paul. I know heterosexual people who say the same thing about marriage/relationships/monogamy, though. It's the sort of thing you say when you've been hurt really deeply and you need it to be about something besides...well...YOU. We blame the other person, blame the institution of marriage, blame our parents, blame...everyone. It feels easier, in our pain, to do that. Of course it doesn't WORK, but you only find that out once you turn the corner and find love waiting there.

Norm! said...

Wow, my partner and I celebrated our fifth anniversary this summer. I better warn him that it's time for us to be kinky and have three-somes. :)

Unfortunately, Paul's projecting of his own experiences and stereotyping seems common in the 'ex-gay' movement. While it may be true that some gay men are promiscuous, it certainly not true of all and certainly not among most of my gay friends.

Peter J Walker said...

Cheryl, that's a great point! Monogamy isn't an issue of gay or straight.

Norm, thanks for the visit! Congrats on your anniversary, I'm sure the two of you will be just fine.

You know, this whole conversation reminds me of how complicated and diverse sexuality is. That's why I won't take a firm position against ministries that endeavor sexual healing for those who feel convicted, broken or unhealthy. I strongly believe sexual orientation is a predominantly biological trait we are born with. However, I believe there are absolutely folks - gay and straight - who struggle with compulsions that stem from abuse or neglect or other emotional/psychological wounds. To lump EVERYONE into one category is unhelpful. But so is waging a culture war based on one's own, specific experience and interpretation.

I realize, above, that I said I have no desire to judge Paul, but I also accused him of narrow, angry definitions. I hope this is not a contradiction. Paul's journey is his own. But his words are truly ungracious, and look like they're coming from a place of a lot of pain, betrayal, and a lot of shame.

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